I'm Lucky Santa Even Thinks About Visiting My House

I can only assume this was an assignment from about the sixth grade. I know I would have never insulted such an important person with this kind of writing. Thank goodness Santa is so forgiving and understands I had to write it, it was for a grade! (Please excuse the poor grammar, I am transcribing it exactly as written in my sixth grade cursive.)

My letter to Santa (circa 1984)

Dear Santa Claus,

How are you, my fine fat friend? I know the reason you're fat, because you eat all the food that everybody leaves out. I saw a picture of Mrs. Claus, and boy is she getting fat. Why doesn't she go on a diet? Don't your reindeer get tired of pulling such a heavy person like you? How do you slide down the chimney when your so fat? Do you put grease around your belly? You should join the men's aerobics club so you can wear away some of that fat?

I've always wondered about your cheeks, do you wear make-up like Boy George does? I think you should dye your hair a different color like brown or black because then you won't look so old. Do you get your beard curled by Vidal Sassoon? What do you put in your pipe to keep you so jolly?

You should tell your elves to start planning before hand and not wait till the last month. Kids don't like cheap products rushed through an assembly line. Why do you think kids toys break so easily sometimes? It's because the elves put them together so clumsily. They should take more care in their work.

I hope you aren't offended by this it's just a little bit of constructive criticism. Tell everyone "hi" for me and I'll be waiting for you. Have a Merry Christmas!

Love,
Heather Stang

Truly blasphemous, isn't it! Can you imagine the teacher's glee as they thought up this assignment. My kids are lucky Santa is still willing to visit after a letter like that!

I have to note that I lived in England at the time I wrote this, so I am using that as my excuse for the Boy George reference. He was really popular there in the mid 80's.